Jokes 4 you

First off I'd like to say one thing: I am not racist, I have no problem with anyones religious upbringing,
I don't get involved in polotics (except for making jokes about the faulty ideas).
I don't care who you are or where you've come from. If you are a good, honest, hard working person who tries their best then you have a freind in me.

Now that's out of the way I thought I'd get things started to set the overall groan tone.......

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Mazda convertible. It was wonderful and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paintwork.

An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her cell phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"

Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the fuel injectors," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How often should I do that?"

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Top Ten Caddie Responses.......

#10
Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddie: Think you can keep your head down that long?

#9
Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.

#8
Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddie: Yes, you miss the ball much closer now.

#7
Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddie: Eventually.

#6
Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddie: I don't think so, that would be too much of a coincidence.

#5
Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.
Caddie: It's not a watch - it's a compass.

#4
Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddie: Very good, but personally, I prefer golf.

#3
Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddie: The way you play, it's a sin on any day.

#2
Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddie: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.

#1 Best Caddie Comment:
Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

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Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

I ordered a burger in the Tesco restaurant yesterday.

The waitress asked me if I wanted anything on it.

"Oh go on then", I replied, "I'll have £5 each way".

why was the broom late?

A. Because he overswept.

My neighbour has just had one of those "American" garage sales

I bought a pub quiz machine, with a slight defect. £100, no questions asked
and a telly with a broken volume control for a tenner....well, I couldn't turn THAT down
{Groan}

Sirs,

I'll see that and raise you one (or lower, which ever way.)

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.

Juz

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.” The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers… we had $100 each when we broke in!”

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The Government of Queensland found about 200 dead crows near Ipswich last autumn, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

They hired a Bird Pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows, and the test results showed it was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The government then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine why there was a disproportionate percentage for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. He concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His study results and conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn the other crows by saying "Cah", but the crow could not say "Truck."

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Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Yes" says Paddy; "Sticks".

I went to Amsterdam last week for a short break, it was just like the Tour De France, loads of people on drugs riding bikes.

Q: why did the orange stop before the hill

A: because it ran out of Juice


Q: where do you find a dead tortoise

A: Where you left it.

Q: What Do you call a boomerang that won't come back

A: A stick

Seeing as Ben has restarted this thread, we all love Blonde jokes don't we.... No sexist! I mean I've always loved the thought of Blondes and 9/10 had the Brunettes and married to a Brunette!
So here it goes;

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: How do you know a blonde likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

The list is endless.....

But lastly.....

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?
A: Because they can understand them.

Now, now, fair warning: I am blonde.

Those blonde jokes remind me of a few good ones:

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Mazda convertible. It was wonderful and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paintwork.

An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her cell phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"

Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the fuel injectors," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How often should I do that?"

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A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her. A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." The barman looks her up and down and says, "First off, it's bartender, not barfender. Secondly, it's martini, not marhini. And third, you don't have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray."

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A blonde got in the elevator of her office building and notice a very sad looking bloke.
She smiled at him and said “T.G.I.F.”
He shook his head sadly and said “S.H.I.T.”

The blonde looked at him a little puzzled and repeated “T.G.I.F.”
To which the bloke replied again “S.H.I.T.”

The blonde was frowning now and said “Don’t you understand what I am saying? T.G.I.F. means Thank God It’s Friday!”
To which the bloke replies “Oh I know what T.G.I.F. means all right. It is you who is confused. S.H.I.T. means Sorry Honey It’s Thursday!!”

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Justin

What's red and sits in the corner?

A: A naughty bus

I quite like this one!!    


Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age,
We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down at the car park by the Houses of Parliament.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s*** out of
Them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s***
Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

 

One weekend, a man from the city decided to go duck hunting. He headed
for the country and stopped at a field that looked as though it could
attract ducks. While walking through a field, several ducks flew
overhead. He aimed, fired, and shot one of the ducks out of the sky.
However, the duck landed on the other side of a large irrigation ditch
with no signs of any nearby crossing.
He briefly thought about leaving the duck but realized that the
weather was becoming worse. Not wanting to return home empty handed,
he decided to try and find some way across. About a quarter mile
further ahead he found a crossing and, as he walked back along the
other side, came across a farmer who was carrying his duck.
"Excuse me?" he said, "I believe that's my duck you're carrying."
"Oh I don't think so," replied the farmer, "It landed on my property.
This here's my duck."
They argued back and forth for a few minutes and then the farmer
suggested a solution.
"Let's settle this the country way. We'll take turns kicking each
other in the balls and the first man to give in, gives up the duck."
The hunter thought about it for a minute. At first he questioned the
sanity of engaging in a "ball-kicking" contest but felt he was tough
enough and accepted the challenge.
"Alright then," Said the farmer, "I'll go first."
The hunter took a deep breath and prepared himself for the blow. The
farmer reared back and kicked the hunter in the balls as hard as he
could. The hunter moaned and dropped to the ground, rolling around in
pain as he grasped his groin. After several minutes the hunter
recovered to his feet, took several deep breaths and said, "Okay, now
it's my turn."
The farmer looks at the hunter, shakes his head and says, "Oh, that's
okay, you can have your duck."

The Dying Priest

In a London Nursing Home an old Priest lay dying.

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.
“Yes Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die” whispered the Priest.

“I’ll see what I can do Father” replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the Priest.

As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick,

“I don’t know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images”...

Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.

When they arrived at the Priest’s room, the Priest took David’s hand
in his right hand and then Nick’s hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Priest’s face.
The old Priest slowly said:
“I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.”
“Amen” said David
“Amen” said Nick
The old priest continued, “Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards; and I would like to do the same”....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk?

A Centipede with a wooden leg.


What goes along the washing line at 100mph

Honda Pants.

Thanks Ben for that!! Glad you have revived this thread!!   

A couple of railway related ones;

"Elvis Presley was fond of trains, which is why he sang "Love Me Tender" (Boom, Boom)   

Q. Why are ghosts no good at running a railway?

A. Because they can't even put on a skeleton service!

And just because I love Formula 1..... "Why is Damon Hill envious of Tiger Woods? ......................................... Because Tiger Woods can drive 300 yards."

And I do like Michael Schumacher, I really do, but if you are Motor Sports mad as am I; then you will know about this..... I really hope he recovers fully.

Q: What does Michael Schumacher and Dwight Yorke have in common?
A: They both spend their weekends rear-ending Jordans!!!!!!

Here's a bad joke

Two flies in a pantry.
Suddenly, one gets up, dashes along the packet they were sitting on, disappears, and reappears from the other side...and sits down again.
"Why on earth did you do that" the other fly asks.
"Just following the instructions. 'Tear around the dotted line

Ooops and another


Doctor, doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
pull yourself together man.


This one is bad

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'What would they want with a plasterer??!

Here's two of my jokes:

Why did the toilet go to the Doctors?



Because it was suffering from HOT FLUSHES.


What do you call a ghostly comedian?




DEAD FUNNY!

Hope you like these Jokes!